Appointments and Meds

I had my appointment with my counsellor on Friday and I almost didn’t go. I just sat at my kitchen table considering how terrible I felt and how badly I really didn’t want to have to go out in public and see people and hear all of the traffic and noises of folks coming and going to work and going on about their lives. Eventually, I convinced myself that I had been looking forward to this appointment and they are so far apart that I couldn’t afford to miss one. Plus, she was copying some paperwork for me for the psychiatrist as I was almost out of printer ink with all of the copying and printing that I have been doing lately.

We briefly talked about my current medications and the fact that I probably ought to be on something for the anxiety as well since I wasn’t coping very well. I had been surviving okay until they started reducing the Venlafaxine, which had been helping somewhat with the anxiety. She fit me in to see my psychiatrist on Monday (I wasn’t to see him until the second week in June and the same with my physician and we both felt that was too far away so I get to see him on Monday now).

I’m an I was a very independent person before all of these injuries and mental illnesses came in to play and I really dislike and have a hard time asking for and needing help from others. So having to have an additional appointment added made me feel guilty. Deep down, I know that I shouldn’t feel that way as I really am not coping well and truly need help but the old, independent me, is having a heck of a time asking for more help in addition to what I am already receiving.

In addition to the additional psychiatrist appointment, the counsellor thought I ought to come and see her for an additional appointment this month seeing as this is a bad month for me with the history of May and my lack of coping. I have actually been seriously preparing for a stay in the hospital because I know things are really not going well.

We’ll see what my Psychiatrist adds on for anxiety. As of right now, I am still weaning off of the Venlafaxine, my dosage of Risperidone has been increased, and they have started me on Divalproex and increasing the dosage in parallel to the Venlafaxine decrease. I have enough “left over” pills from all of these med and dosage changes that I could almost start my own pharmacy. I really should take them to the pharmacy; having all of these extra pills around probably isn’t a good thing for me.

Med Changes … AGAIN.

Well, today was the day that I had my appointment with my psychiatrist and my counsellor.

The counselling appointment went well, all things considering. We didn’t get into any CBT as we spent most of the appointment just chatting about several things – including my visit with the psychiatrist. I had written her a note (she had asked what I need from her so I wrote the note so that I wouldn’t forget anything or clam up and just cry) so we went thru a couple of points I had listed. I know that therapists etc. need to keep the relationship professional but it just doesn’t work for me to share all of these personal details with someone that I know nothing about. Thankfully, she could understand that so shared a little bit about herself and her family. At some point in the future, I will have to let her know how grateful I am that she considered sharing anything with me. It made a huge difference for me and will in future sessions.

As for the psychiatrist, well, I’m on the road to yet another med change and this time it will be more than one medication change. I will be weaning off of the Amitriptyline and increasing the Risperidone. Once that is complete, I will begin weaning off of the Venlafaxine and adding Lithium.

Yes sir, ladies and gentleman, it would appear that I am bipolar … It’s a very good thing that I had suspected it myself or I likely would not have taken the news very well. I’m still trying to process it. The one time in my life that I would have gladly been wrong, I’m not.

Bipolar disorder does run in my family (or slowly dawdles along as the case may be). The Aunt that committed suicide last year was bipolar. What I find “funny” about this is that no one knew until I was on antidepressants and started to hear a voice telling me to do things. Then all of a sudden, the times in my life where I was on top of the world was not just a huge boost in self-esteem but a result of a hypomanic episode. *sighs* I will miss that …

I guess it’s a good thing that my “friend” abandoned ship when she was only under the impression I had depression and anxiety. She and her husband have this preconceived notion of what bipolar disorder is due to his ex-wife and she would have dropped me like a hot potato the minute she found out.

Please bear with me over the next little while as I try to come to terms with yet another large change in my life.

Way Overdue

So yeah, I’ve been AWOL for almost a month. Thankfully I don’t have too many readers that would miss my random postings.

A lot has been going on in my neck of the woods lately so I’m not even sure where to begin or if I even should. I have done my best to remain in denial about this entire ordeal and would have preferred to remain that way but that is no longer an option for me. I have to accept the fact that I’m “broken” and can’t fix this on my own, no matter how hard it is for me to accept help or how much I feel like I have failed for breaking down and not being able to recover on my own this time.

I was in an extremely dark place while I was taking Duloxetine. I had been taking it in the morning and Amitriptyline at bedtime. After the last Duloxetine dosage increase, things got really scary for me. I don’t want to go into detail but my inner voice changed to an evil man who had all sorts of things he wanted me to do (a totally new experience for me!) and the only way I could “convince him” to shut up and stop talking for a while was to agree to harm myself. I have not done that in over 20 years but it was the only way to get a break from the constant demands. I was basically bargaining with this voice in my head. At the time I didn’t tell my doctor what was going on aside from the fact that I NEEDED to change antidepressants. I had enough going on in my mind that I couldn’t cope with being hospitalized as well and of course, the denial was still going strong.  I was switched from Duloxetine to Venlafaxine during the day and remained on Amitriptyline at night.

After my physician spoke with my counsellor yesterday, he originally wanted to increase the dosage of my Venlafaxine. I was terrified to go any higher based on my reaction to the Duloxetine so I was forced to put on my big girl panties and be honest with my doctor about why I had him change my antidepressant. Well, at least about what was going on in my head. He doesn’t know about the self-harm because he quickly changed tunes and after some questions and answers decided that I will remain at the current dosages of Amitriptyline and Venlafaxine but be started on Risperidone at night “as needed” and I now needed to be more closely monitored.

In addition to that “fun”; last week I had to attend a follow-up appointment with WSIB (workers comp) specialist doctor about 2.5 hours from home. Transportation is provided by WSIB as they force me to attend these out of town appointments. The driver thought it would be fun to slam into the rear end of the car in front of us on while on the highway. I missed my specialist appointment and the company providing the transportation took me back to my town to the hospital (I refused to go to the one there and made them take me home. My anxiety was thru the roof and I hurt and just wanted to be “home”).

I got a great doctor at the Emergency Department (actually the one who made the referral to the psychiatrist and specialist for my chronic pain) and he sent me for a bunch of x-rays. They came back quickly and he gave me a prescription for Naproxen during the day and Cyclobenzaprine for the night. I had literally just got home and was on hold with WSIB when the hospital calls. The radiologist saw something on the X-rays and they want me to come back for a CT Scan. So back I go and get fitted with a lovely neck brace and the paramedics show up and make me get into the stretcher to go to the neighbouring town via. ambulance for the scan. The doctor was explaining to them that “this poor lady was in a car accident on the way to a specialty appointment for her chronic pain and now she has pain on top of her chronic pain.”

Thankfully, nothing was broken or fractured but the pain sucks. I had enough already with my arms but now my neck and upper back have joined in on the party. The receptionist at the hospital was trying not to laugh at me because she knows the hell I have been going thru over the last year with my arms and only in my world would I end up with more crap on my plate.

On the counselling/therapy front: We have decided that CBT is probably the best way to go at this point so we will be beginning that starting next session.

The one small positive over the last month or so … last night I was able to actually follow and retain some information from a very interesting Ted Talk on Neuro Genesis I have not been able to do that in almost a year now. Heck, at the hospital last week I had to write the date and I wrote 19… and stopped, completely confused until I clued in that it was 2018. UGH!

I’d just like a complete do-over of the last year and a half, please.